“How to effectively communicate as a submissive”- by Miss Siren Thorn, Inked Asian Goddess

I’d like to share some of my learnings over the years. It is my hope that my experiences can be illuminating for my disciples of depravity – both in and out of the BDSM arenas in life.

Effective communication is so key to getting your goals met and forging and maintaining positive relationships.

As a person identifying as submissive, your needs are 100% valid. If you are submissive leaning (and this is different from a person who identifies as a bottom or fetishist*), the gold standard approach is always placing your Dominant’s needs first and foremost. However, this is not always possible, as two consenting adults with multi-faceted lives. Sometimes scenes don’t go quite the way we were hoping for. There are ways to express wishes to your Dominant without seeming like, pardon the language, a needy fucking tool.

Step 1: Give yourself and them a chance to process. Do not inundate them with messages, as they may be digesting the scene still themselves or more than likely, busy with other parts of their lives. Send them a tribute if you wish to show appreciation.

Write things down to yourself (to potentially share with them later on). It is OK to get what is inside of you, outside of you. Outlets are valuable. But do not default to using people as outlets. Work out, engage in hobbies, deal with sub/Dom drop, give attention to other areas of your life.

Step 2: Approach them with respect. Tell them how much you appreciated their time, the things you adored about serving them. Load on the positive messages, especially if you intend to serve them again. At the end, give suggestions on what you would love to experience next time (but keep your expectations in check – your requests may not be possible or desired on their end). Just because you are paying (showing tribute) to them, does not mean you are guaranteed 100% of everything you wanted… but sometimes it is 200% more varied in ways you’d never expect and can be deeply fulfilling if you maintain realistic (read: fluid) expectations. 

It’s important to remember this even for other aspects of your life. Keeping an open mind, keeps your possibilities open…

Step 3: Be patient. Do not inundate them for a reply. It’s understandably vulnerable to submit, and sometimes even more vulnerable to express your needs. But your Dominant is a full human being themselves. They may be busy, they may be processing. Let them take the lead, and you follow.




* over-simplified definitions:
Submissive – a person who enjoys serving another, allowing them to take the lead, to relinquish control to another for short/long durations. This is more of a psychological construct, rather than a description of physical acts (I do not believe some acts are inherently submissive. Headspace is key).
Bottom – a person on the receiving end of some kink activity (e.g. getting flogged, ass-fucked, trampled, worshipping another’s feet)
Fetishist – a person who is aroused by specific attire, acts (e.g. a foot fetishist loving being a foot mat for a powerful dominant)

The reality is a lot more nuanced and many people are on a spectrum in terms of Dominant/submissive/switch/etc, which can change at different times.